Psalm 37: 3 – 7
It seems like I end up where I am today a lot over the past 3+ years. I’m desperate to get back on track in my trusting, delighting, committing, resting and waiting patiently. Though I know I’m not the only one that goes through this, at present it just feels so singularly focused – as though I am the worst of the worst.
Maybe I should explain. After losing my husband over 3 years ago, it’s been a constant struggle to make big decisions and be responsible for so much outside my wheelhouse. All the while I find myself continuing the path of service on many levels. Sometimes it all gets to be a bit much, actually too much. Add to that a deep loneliness and it makes for one hurting mess of a person.
You might look from the outside and see someone who is walking along with God quite well and trusting. I’d have to agree with you most days. But there are other days, like today, where I see so clearly that I am still trying to do some of it in my own power. The giving over of self completely is what we all seem to struggle with, I think.
I could be wrong, but it seems like we end up in the land of “mostly”, most of the time. Trusting Jesus mostly. Committing mostly, waiting patiently mostly. . .and maybe not so mostly. The trouble is, living in the land of “mostly” isn’t good. At some point the Holy Spirit presses hard enough for us to really listen and our hearts break. We are brought face to face with our sin of “mostly”.
I sincerely believe that broken is where we need to be for God to display His love and His grace. When we stop living “mostly” and give ourselves completely to Him, He will do great things in and for us. How can He fill us when we are full of ourselves? How can He bring hope and healing to us when we are trying to work it out on our own? I read in my Jesus Calling perpetual calendar this morning, the following – and it’s quite profound.
“Understanding will never bring you peace. That’s why I have instructed you to trust in Me, not your understanding. ”
This is, of course, from Proverbs 3: 5 & 6 – very good verses to memorize.
Back to Psalm 37. Now that I’m broken, I can let God put me back together the right way. I’m choosing to trust Him as much as I can, and letting Him empower me to trust more. I’m choosing to delight in Him, something I need to be more intentional about. I’m choosing to wait patiently – whoa. . . this is a tough one, no matter who you are.
So whatever the outcome, I am actually thankful for this broken, tear-filled day. Getting with God and being honest is very healing. There will still be the struggle of “mostly”, but I’m leaning into God completely at the moment. I’m fully trusting and putting His armor on for the rest of the day. His power, not mine.
Lord – I’m a broken mess. Please put me back together as only You can. I choose to trust You completely. Help my unbelief. Help me stay in the completely camp, not the mostly camp. Thank you Holy Spirit for pressing me so hard and breaking me. I love You Lord and I lift my broken life to You – for your honor and glory. —Amen